SAT作文實例講解

作文題一： Is memory a help or a hindrance in helping us learn from the past and succeed in the future?

學生習作1：

On the thesis, one may have doubt since not all the memories are sweet. But I insist that even the bad ones can offer help. For instance, during my winter vacation in Junior, I lost a cell phone that I had used for more than two years. That was the day before the Spring Festival, the most important festival for reunion in China. I was in a good mood at that time because I was going to shoot some photos with my aunt. There were many people in the store. 3I felt a little crowded. It was the time when we were choosing the frames that my cell phone was stolen. Too late did I realize the unfortunate fact.

Afterwards, whenever I was in public, I paid extra attention to my personal possession such as my purse and mp4. Therefore, I havent lost any other things till now. I learned to be extremely careful from the horrible memory.

分析：

1 during強調延續性，in強調一段時間裏發生了一件事。所以此處應該改成in.

2 文章採取倒敍手法，所以在2處感覺有一點奇怪，剛剛還是東西被盜，後來心情又好了。

3 不能是你覺得擠，只能是that place was a little crowded

4 文章的.深刻度不夠，處於4-5分的水平，要拿更好的分數，還得在深刻性上下功夫。個人例子特別適合以情動人。