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Friends or 'Enemies?'

When I was younger, my Dad used to tell me: "Boys don't want to be your friend." He then left the rest to my imagination. At the time, I didn't agree. I thought: I can crack a good joke, I know how to shoot a hoop, and I'm a cheerful person (but not in an annoying way). What kind of boy wouldn't want to be around that kind of girl?

Turns out, my Dad was right. Not to be all "Samantha Brick" about it, but in my experience, single, heterosexual men aren't actively looking for an exclusively platonic relationship with a woman they find sexually attractive. This of course is not a revolutionary concept. In fact, it seems pretty natural to me.

Now, I will be the first to say that it is really and truly the most wonderful thing in the world if the attraction is mutual. But the Powers That Be seem to like to play these complicated little mating games with humans where the guy we want to re-enact scenes from 9? Weeks with sees our attractiveness level as akin to that of a discarded dishcloth, and the most physical we could see ourselves being with the guy who actually likes us is a game of ping pong over an especially long table. All of which means that someone usually ends up getting rejected.

I'm sure I'm not alone when I say I have struggled with the scenario where I am not interested in a man romantically, but I want to keep him as a friend because he is funny and I enjoy his company, or he has shown himself to be that rare specimen known as "a nice, genuine person, " or he simply doesn't mention his therapist in every other sentence.

Rather than string him along and give him hope, I feel compelled to somehow communicate to him sooner rather than later that we'll just be staying friends, nothing more. Otherwise, I think I am being unfair to him. Why should he waste his romantic stamina on me when there are loads of other single women out there who might fall instantly in love with him? The thing is, it can sometimes be tricky to reject a man and keep him as a friend. If the operation is not executed carefully, you may end up creating a "menemy."

It requires a certain amount of skill to be able to turn down a man's sexual advances or romantic gestures and then get him to agree to meet you for blueberry pancakes the following weekend and chat about the latest Woody Allen film. Some men aren't satisfied with just that. I'm not clear why. What's so bad about friendship? Everyone needs buddies. But I've seen men react poorly or simply fall off the face of the earth. I get it -- their feelings are hurt. None of us likes getting rejected. But in my experience, some men find it especially soul-crushing.

I am only bringing all of this up because I recently had to go through this scenario again. I had spent some time cultivating a friendship with a man who, in my defense, I thought was gay. So I didn't see the harm in him buying me the occasional falafel, or accepting an invitation to see a film with him. Isn't that what friends are for? But a mutual friend shed light on his sexual orientation (straight) and suggested that his intentions -- and attentions -- weren't platonic. He had never "made the moves" but now it was all crystal clear -- that explains the way he had looked at me that time the tahini sauce dribbled down my chin! Since he had clearly been too timid to express his feelings, I thought I would be clever this time and subtly mention the dates I had been going on, focusing on the one guy I was kind of keen on, so that he would know that I was "unavailable" for heavy petting and those sorts of activities, but that I was available for things like roller skating, falafel-eating and shooting the breeze. Doesn't that sound nice? That way, he would known not to try to lean in for a kiss, and I wouldn't have to pull the Stevie Wonder dance and dodge him went he went for it. It was like pre-rejection, yet I was sparing his feelings because he didn't even have to put himself out there! I really thought I was being brilliant.

It backfired, of course. Said man ended up sending me an email rant accusing me of being insensitive by talking about other men when he had "feelings for me." As if I am psychic, by the way, just because I am a woman! How was I supposed to know that? I think in his mind we were dating. In my mind, he was my new gay BFF. In the end, I got mad at him for getting mad at me, and now the friendship has ended.

And I have created yet another "menemy."

Look, I have also tried the direct thing: "I really like you, but only as a friend, " but you can only do that when the guy has made his intentions clear, and in my experience, they either cope okay (though rarely do I feel much enthusiasm for friendship after that), or they really don't cope well. I also tried the thing where you make them think they are rejecting you, but it gets quite confusing and only works if the guy isn't very sharp, and why would I -- or you -- be hanging out with someone not that sharp in the first place?

As we all remember, Billy Crystal's character says men and women can't be friends in When Harry Met Sally because the sex stuff gets in the way. I do have single, male, heterosexual friends with whom I have an easy, non-romantic rapport, but I honestly don't know if they would walk away if I was sprawled naked on a bed calling out to them. I may not be everybody's cup of tea, but sometimes, I wonder if they wonder. And they may wonder if I wonder. If so, I hope they'll keep it to themselves.

被拒後：朋友亦或敵人？

那時我並不以為然，認為憑自己的幽默詼諧，灌籃嫻熟，開朗活潑的性格，又有那一個男孩不喜歡在這樣的女孩身邊呢？

但結果證明父親是對的。對此不需要太自戀（Samantha Brick，自由專欄女作家曾寫過為什麼女人恨我等文章，有英版芙蓉姐姐之稱），但以我的經驗來説，單身異性戀男士在他們認為極具吸引力的女性身上並不想只是尋求一份簡單的柏拉圖式的關係。當然這一概念並沒有什麼開創性，事實上在我看來再自然不過了。

首先我要説的是兩情相悦的確是世界上最為美妙事。但上帝卻好似很喜歡玩這種複雜的配對遊戲，要麼是通過九個半周的交往後，我們想與之確定關係的男孩認為我們的吸引力指數同丟棄的抹布不相上下，要麼就是我們對中意我們的男孩不起化學反應，兩人總是像隔着一長長的桌台打乒乓球一般。結果都是以另一方被拒而告終。

有些異性我雖然不想和他交往，但很想和他做朋友，因為他幽默詼諧，有他陪在身邊我會很開心,或者他友好善良並且為人真誠（這一類人可是稀缺性品種），或者是他不是每隔一句便提起他的理療師。我敢説這種情形你也經歷過吧。

我認為有必要對他説明白我們之間只會是朋友這種關係這麼簡單，僅此而已。説這些話宜早不宜晚，而不是將他帶在身邊給他希望。不然對他來説是不公平的。外面那麼多單身女性，她們或許會對他一見鍾情，為什麼要讓他白白浪費精力放在我身上呢？

但有時在拒絕一位男士後要想和他保持朋友關係，這種情況頗為棘手。如果處理不當，結果是你可能會結下樑子。 要想拒絕異性的追求或是一些曖昧舉動，同時還要讓他同意下一週他依然可以和你會面，邊品嚐藍莓煎餅邊談論伍迪艾倫執導的電影，這的確需要一定的技巧。有些男士對此不以為意。我不清楚他們的原因，做朋友難道不好嗎？每個人都有自己的朋友呀。但是我確實見到有些男性在被拒絕後反應很糟糕，有的甚至好似在地球蒸發了一樣再也沒見到他的面。我明白--他們受傷了。沒有人喜歡被別人拒絕。根據我的經驗甚至有些男士認為被拒讓人精神崩潰。 提起這些是因為最近我就遇到了這種情況。前段時間我和位異性發展着朋友關係，我起七年級直以為他是同性戀。所以他時不時給我買三明治，或是邀請我去看電影，我都沒覺得有什麼問題。朋友不就是做這些嗎？但朋友間是需要彼此都明白各人的性取向的（他是異性戀）還要暗示對方他的想法意圖並不是柏拉圖之類。他從未做出曖昧舉動，但事實上，他看我臉上有芝麻醬的眼神就已經説的很明白了。

他有些膽怯還沒有袒露對我的感情，所以我想這次我可以聰明些向他委婉的提下我最近一直和某個男生在交往，並對這個我頗為動心的男生十分用心。不用説他就明白戀人間得耳鬢廝磨不屬於我和他，而類似滑冰，吃吃三明治呀，或閒聊呀我都沒問題。我這樣做是不是還不錯呀？這樣他就明白不要試着前傾身子去吻我，我也不會用以要學史蒂威·旺達舞蹈為藉口來躲避他的不軌舉動。在他未向我表白前我就已然拒絕他了，我認為這招妙哉。

當然結果是事與願違。此男再給我發送的郵件中激昂痛罵我多麼沒有感情：明知道他對我的情意卻當着他的面談論其他男生。僅僅因為我是女的，好像我就是神經病一樣。我哪知道這些呀？我認為在他心裏我們就一直在約會，而在我心裏卻把他當做可以做一輩子的同性戀朋友。最後，因為他對我生氣，我也對他動了氣，友情也就戛然而止了。 我又結下了一段樑子。

你瞧，我也試過用較為直接的方式回絕男生，“我真的很喜歡你，但只是出於朋友間的喜歡而已。”這招僅適用於當此男表明了他的感情時候。在我經驗中，有些男生反應還可以（儘管隨後我覺得他同我做朋友的熱情度大打折扣），有些男生對此應對得不是太好。還有一招我也用過，就是讓他們感覺是他們在拒絕你，這招頗具有迷惑性且對象僅適用於頭腦不是很敏捷的男生。但話又説回來，我怎麼會和一個頭腦不靈光的男生交往呢？

我們都會記得在當哈利遇上莎莉這部電影中比利克里斯托扮演的角色曾説：男人和女人從來不會是朋友，因為“男女有別”。我的確有一些單身異性戀的男性朋友，我和他們之間也處的輕鬆隨意，無關乎風月，但我真的不知道要是我懶洋洋赤身裸體於牀上，大聲喚着他們，他們是否會決然走開呢？我或許不是每個人的菜，但有時我想他們是否會考慮我是不是他們喜歡的類型，或許他們也會想我會不會有同樣的念頭。如果是這樣的話，希望他們緘口不提保密於心吧。

Living With My Teenage Genius

AS HER son Cameron sits at his laptop completing an assignment for his maths degree course Alison Thompson is busy helping her daughter Emma get dressed.

Nothing unusual there, except that at just 14 Cameron is a highly gifted maths prodigy, while Emma is 12 and severely autistic.

Having two children with such contrasting abilities has at times been a challenge, admits full-time mum Alison, 34, who also has 10-year-old daughter Bethany.

While help has always been readily available for Emma, Alison and her husband Rod, 37, a computer programmer, have had to fight to get Cameron the support he needs. “People could see that Emma has special needs but because Cameron was doing so well at school his teachers never thought there was a problem. They refused to acknowledge that he was gifted, ” says Alison.

Admittedly it took Alison and Rod a while to realise their son was different. “Cameron was our first child and we didn’t really have anything to compare him with. He always had a very impressive vocabulary and we knew he was bright but he didn’t reach his milestones exceptionally early and there were no other real signs.”

It was only when he began primary school that his abilities became clear. “He used to cry when it was time to come home, ” recalls Alison. “He just always wanted to learn more.”

On one occasion he even corrected the teacher when she told the class that zero was the lowest number. Cameron told her she was wrong because there were negative numbers. He was four at the time.

By the time he was seven, Cameron, who lives with his family in Wrexham, North Wales, was leaps and bounds ahead of his classmates. It was also clear that he was suffering from Asperger’s syndrome, which is a form of autism. Children with Asperger’s typically find social interaction incredibly difficult and can become obsessive and inflexible.

“Not only was he getting bored at school but he didn’t know when to keep quiet and had no idea how to pick up on social cues, ” says Alison, who along with Rod started to put pressure on the school for extra support for their son.

Now 14 Cameron is at secondary school, studying for a distance learning maths degree with the Open University, having sailed through his GCSE at 11 and his A-level at 12, achieving top grades.

Today it is clear that this slightly built, engaging and awkward teenager is gifted but it has been a battle to get the authorities to acknowledge his needs.

“I don’t think the teachers had a clue what to do with a gifted child, ” says Alison. “We were worried about being labelled as pushy parents but there is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting the best for your child. I think the teachers thought we were trying to drive Cameron with his maths but the drive came from him.”

Frustrated, the Thompsons considered home education – Cameron was also being targeted by bullies – but they thought it would hamper their son socially.

By his final year of primary school, Cameron had become bored and disruptive but fortunately when he moved to senior school teachers there took his talents seriously and he was encouraged to do more advanced maths work.

“He steamed through the GCSE syllabus in just three months, ” says Alison. “For the first time in ages he seemed really happy.”

Then his parents had to decide what to do next. Some gifted children are sent to university early but Alison and Rod felt this wasn’t right for Cameron. “What would he have in common with the other students?” she asks. “I just don’t understand these parents who are so ambitious that they lose all sight of their child.

“I was once contacted by a mother who told me her five-year-old was interested in taking a GCSE. I mean, really? What five-year-old has actually heard of a GCSE? When Cameron was five all he wanted was to be a train driver.”

Alison admits she is baffled by much of her son’s degree course. Even Rod, who has a maths degree himself, struggles to keep up. Yet they are careful never to compare Cameron with his sisters.

Bethany is bright too but not gifted. Sociable and artistic she is the one who will remind absent minded Cameron to put on his coat. She also helps him out in social situations. “Bethany could make friends in an empty room, ” says Alison proudly. “Having siblings with such different needs has made her very accepting.”

Emma attends a specialist school and the family is quick to celebrate her successes too. “The other day she did up the buttons on her coat which was real progress, ” Alison says.

The Thompsons try to live a normal life. Late last year they took part in a fly-on-the-wall television documentary to prove that not all gifted children are the result of overly ambitious parents. Cameron, who is also a brown belt in karate, was happy to take part as he had always wanted to be on TV.

“There is so much help out there for children like Emma but hardly anything at all for those at the other end of the spectrum, ” says Alison. “Gifted children need support too but their lives don’t have to be that different to anyone else’s. Cameron is proof of that.”

家有神童

艾莉森?湯普森家有三個孩子，三個孩子個個不同。一個是天賦異稟的小神童，一個是自閉症兒童，還有一個卻在社交方面表現出眾。艾莉森是怎樣撫養他們的？她遇到了哪些困難？

當艾莉森?湯普森的兒子卡梅倫坐在電腦前完成他的數學學士學位課作業時，她忙着幫她的女兒埃瑪穿好衣服。 很平常的場景，除了14歲的.卡梅隆是一個非常有天賦的數學神童，而12歲的艾瑪則是嚴重的自閉症患者。 艾莉森承認撫養兩個反差很大的孩子有時是一個挑戰。34歲的艾莉森是一個全職母親，他同時還有一個10歲的女兒伯達尼。

艾瑪總是及時獲得幫助的那一個，而艾莉森和她的程序員丈夫羅德不得不為卡梅隆爭取他所需要的支持。“大家都知道艾瑪有特殊需要，但因為卡梅倫在學校表現優秀，他的老師從來沒有想過他的問題。他們拒絕承認他是天才，”艾莉森説。

誠然，艾莉森和羅德也不是一開始就發現他們的兒子有什麼不同。 “卡梅隆是我們的第一個孩子，我們真的沒有什麼可以比較。他的詞彙量一直佷令人驚訝，我們知道他聰明，但在他的階段性發展中，他沒有提前很多，也有沒有其他明顯的跡象。“

直到他上國小，他的能力才變得明顯。“過去一到回家的時候，他就哭，”艾莉森。 “他只是想學更多的知識。” 有一次，他甚至還糾正了老師。當老師告訴同學零是最小的數字時，卡梅倫告訴她，她錯了，因為有負數。那時候他四歲。

七歲的卡梅倫與他的家人住在北威爾士最大的城市雷克瑟姆（Wrexham），那時候他已經遠遠超過他的同學。但很明顯，他很患有阿斯伯格綜合症，這是自閉症的一種形式。患有阿斯伯格綜合症的兒童通常在社會交往上存在困難，還可能變得執着而頑固。

“他在學校不僅感到厭煩，還不知道什麼時候應當保持安靜，無法理解人際交流中的隱藏含義，”艾莉森説。她和羅德開始向學校施壓，以求他們的兒子獲得額外的幫助。

14歲的卡梅隆目前還在中學階段，已經開始攻讀開放大學函授數學學位。11歲他通過了GCSE課程，12歲通過A-level課程，並且都取得了優異的成績。

毋庸置疑，這個清瘦、有魅力卻有點古怪的青少年是有天賦的，但讓當局承認他的需求卻是一場艱苦的戰鬥。 “我不認為教師們知道該怎麼教育一個有天賦的孩子，”艾莉森説。 “我們害怕被當作為愛出風頭的父母，但希望孩子獲得最好的教育這一點絕對沒有錯。老師認為是我們要求卡梅隆學數學，但實際上那是他主動要學的。” 他們的嘗試受到打擊，卡梅倫也成為了眾矢之的，隨後他們想到了家庭教育，但又覺得這不利於孩子社會化的培養。

到卡梅倫國小最後一年時，他已經開始無聊到搗亂了，所幸升學後那裏的老師很看重他的天賦，並鼓勵他學習高年級的數學。

“他在短短三個月內學完了GCSE課程教學大綱，”艾莉森説， “他似乎很久沒那麼高興了。”

然後，他的父母不得不決定下一步做什麼。一些天才兒童提前進入大學，但艾莉森和羅德覺得這樣對卡梅倫不好。 “他與其他學生有什麼共同點？”她問， “我只是不明白有些家長是如此雄心勃勃，卻全然忘記了他們的孩子。" “曾經又一位母親告訴我，她5歲的女兒想要參加GCSE考試。我在想，這會是真的嗎？ 一個5歲的孩子真的瞭解GCSE是什麼嗎？當卡梅倫5歲時，他就想當一名火車司機。“

艾莉森承認，她對兒子的學位課程感到困惑。即使擁有數學學位的羅德也不見得能跟上。然而，他們很小心，從來不拿卡梅隆與他的妹妹們做比較。

伯達尼也很聰明，但算不上天賦異稟。善於交際、喜歡藝術的她會提醒心不在焉的卡梅隆把他的外套穿上，她還回在社交場合為哥哥解圍。 “即使在一個空房間裏，伯達尼也能交朋友，” 艾莉森驕傲地説， “有不同需求的兄弟姐妹，讓她變得很包容。”英語開頭好句子摘抄加翻譯。

艾瑪就讀的是一所特殊學校，家裏人也會即時為她的每一次成功慶祝。 “有一天，她自己繫上了衣服上所有的扣子，這絕對是進步，”艾莉森説。

湯普森一家嘗試着像正常家庭那樣去生活。去年年底，他們參加了一個觀察式電視紀錄片的拍攝，向大家證明並不是所有的天才兒童都是過於雄心勃勃的父母造就的。同時是空手道棕帶的卡梅倫很高興參加這次紀錄片拍攝，因為他一直想上電視。

“社會給了像艾瑪這樣的孩子許多幫助，但對於天才兒童幾乎沒有任何幫助，”艾莉森説。 “天才兒童也需要支持，但他們的生活並沒有和其他人太不同。卡梅倫就是個例子。”